Alien Resurrection Sucked

30 December 2011

Ok, so I watched, actually the movie is still playing, Alien Resurrection. I guess I never really saw it before tonight and I cannot believe how bad it sucked.

First off, there was way too much CGI in it. I hate when Hollywood uses a lot of CGI in films, especially with the advent of HD television. With the HD, it's so easy to distinguish what is real (actors, actresses, sets, etc...) and what is not real. The contrast, like the opening scene of this movie, makes them look so cheesy and cartoony. At least with standard TV one couldn't distinguish between real and CGI because it was too blurry/grainy, whatever.

Then the whole premise of the movie proves it shouldn't have been made at all. I can readily submit to the notion of aliens like this somewhere out there and enjoy the flick. But I find it difficult to follow, even in sci-fi that's trying to resemble some form of possible reality, that when they took the blood samples from Ripley in Alien3 and cloned her DNA in Resurrection, that during the cloning process they were able to get the impregnated Xenomorph (from Alien3) cloned inside her as well. Not to mention that Ripley's clone inherited the strength and acid blood properties of the Xenomorph - silliness.

There is no way a simple parasite, impregnated in something can alter the molecular DNA of it's host, thus being able to take said DNA and clone both host and parasite. I really think they took huge leap in liberty with that one.

I didn't care for how they used human's as hosts onboard the Auriga; they could have used animals as evidenced in Alien3 where a bull ended up playing host to one. I just don't think they needed to go there with that one.

Then there is the part where they realize the ship they're on is moving and it's destination is Earth. They say that it will take 3 hours to get to Earth. This plays into my previous statement of using animals as hosts instead of humans because if they were that close to Earth (3 hours), they could easily have used animals rather than hiring terrorists to hijack a ship full of people in cryo-sleep.

Then the whole 3 hours to Earth thing is just crazy too. I cannot find any evidence of the supposed position of the Auriga ship. I found this website with a bunch of the details derived from the novels, movies and bonus discs. I made some conversions from the dumb metric system to our standard system and found that the speed of the Auriga is 1,970,000,000,000 mph or 1.9 trillion mph. That according to the website and a NASA site he linked to, puts it's position near the planet Pluto (yes I still call it a planet).

Now here is the dumb part of it all: the speed of light is 186,000 miles per second or 669,600,000 mph. That is a 294,105% increase over the fastest known speed of ANYTHING. And a speed which physics says cannot be broken and thus far haven't even begun to come close to, except in particle accelerators like CERN. How the heck is a ship of that size and mass going to be able to move at that speed and have fuel (something better than dilithium crystals? {read Star Trek}) to power it? Then, as they approach the Earth, how were they going to slow it down? Actually, because of physics, it would have to go even faster than they depicted because it would take a considerable amount of time and force to slow it down, without killing everyone on board and/or blasting right through the Earth killing the ship and the planet, and make it there [safely] in 3 hours. In the novels, they're calling it FTL or Faster Than Light technology, but I'm not buying it based on how this movie turned out. I bought it in Star Trek with warp speed, and if they somehow made reference to it, like saying "Warp Speed," and putting the ships position a lot closer to Earth than Pluto, I can follow along better. The Enterprise NCC-1701-D, from the original series had a top speed of Warp 9.6 which is 592,600,000,000 or 600 billion mph, much slower than the Auriga.

But this whole speed issue is silly because they're trying to play the movie as something that could happen, in a strange sci-fi way, but the speed of the ship is out of balance with what they're trying to accomplish. At least with Star Trek, they set forth right from the beginning that their story made it possible to travel at these speeds, thus setting the precedent as a law of first mention. Alien Resurrection tried to add it in the last movie - should have done it in the first.

I also didn't care for the way they made the Xenomorph's act all dramatic in this one. There is a scene where the crew is climbing out of the water up a ladder and the Xenomorph grabs onto one of the guy's feet. Instead of instantly pulling him and the cripple strapped to his back, down and killing them, it holds on for dramatic effect and waits for a bit before trying to kill them. Totally out of character for the precedence set in the first 3 films for the Xenomorph.

Holy crap, am I thinking too deep about this? I had absolutely no problems or gripes about the first 3 films, honest.

I bet if Ridley Scott or James Cameron directed this movie, it would have been a lot better. Minute details aside, the overall feel of the movie strayed way too far from the rest of them and thus sucked. That's what happens when they let a French director run the show.

Download the pdf version with pictures here.